Sunday, 22 April 2012

Tired + Builders = Cougar

I'm so tired and hungover and useless. I hate when I drink too much on a Saturday as Sunday is my favourite day and it's such a shame to write it off. A crying shame in fact (whatever a crying shame is).
I love Sundays because I don't have to hide from random phone calls and knocks at the door and I don't get scary letters through my letterbox.
So anyway, this week I have been most successful at getting free dinners and doing sinful things. I have been most unsuccessful at doing any kind of work as my laptop has been acting like a dick and I've been spending all my time eating said free dinners.
Next week is a bit rubbish because I have to get up at the ungodly hour of 7am on Tuesday as builders are coming to fix my windows, which haven't opened for about 10 years. Little bit of a fire hazard. I had taken to propping them open with 90s films on VHS but apparently that's not cool anymore and the landlord wants to actually fix them. Fair dos. For those of you who don't know me I should probably let you know that I HATE builders. They have been the bain of my life for the past 2 years as there is a building site opposite my flat. They are constantly out there on the roof of the building opposite and can see everything I do, which isn't a lot but involves me wandering about in stained pyjamas, licking plates and carrying out other dirty habits I've acquired through years of single occupancy.
Sometimes the builders heckle me which I find ever so slightly inappropriate and sometimes they start 2 hours earlier than is legal in the morning and sing very loudly as well as making the building shake with their incompetent breaking of large pieces of rock.
I have been privy to such audial delicacies as a previously unheard rendition of Robbie Williams' Angels - "And through is aaaallll, she offers me protection, a lotta love and erections..." -  and other rarities.
As you can imagine I am quite anxious about being in my apartment with two builders for 6 whole hours. Especially as my entire apartment is about the same size as one fair sized living room.
Then on Wednesday I have to attend court again because I owe rent and my landlord is trying to evict me.

Can't somebody please pay me to write and draw pictures full time?

Thursday, 19 April 2012

Tit Flaps.

So I went to town yesterday and tried a ton of clothes on even though I don't have any money. It was fun and torture mixed together. The torture was multiplied by the fact that whenever I go to TK Maxx I start to really need the toilet in the worst way ever. I don't know why but something about those stark surroundings and rails upon rails of discounted goods forces my bowels to groan like a sinking Titanic. They used to have a toilet in the children's section but it's always out of use now. So there I was, hobbling about with a basket full of summer dresses and a strange silver number which I grabbed for nostalgic value because my mum made me wear something similar to a school disco once and I spent the evening in tears because everyone laughed and called me "Spaceman".
I tried on the clothes but they mostly looked shit and I ended up settling for a new bra instead because my tits looked like a couple of uninflated fire hoses. Thanks number three oh! It seems somewhat ironic that just the day before I got asked for ID when buying superglue in Poundland - apparently I look 20. And like a glue-sniffer.

Tuesday, 17 April 2012

Beans Means.

I got ID'd today, buying superglue from Poundland in a last ditch attempt to fix my MacBook. What do I have to do to look my age? Storm around town in a power-suit with horn rimmed glasses on, snarling at everyone?

Wednesday, 11 April 2012

watr is hOOEninv?

I got drunk the other day. I say day because it was definitely day and not night. Not that getting drunk is out of the ordinary for me but it was the kind of drunk where you stagger home, pass out dribbling on the sofa at half past 8 then wake up just before your flat sets on fire because you decided to heat up an enchilada under the grill before you passed out. Here is my dinner. Yes, I ate it.

Thursday, 5 April 2012


So you might have noticed that us human beings haven't evolved physically for quite some time. I got to thinking about what the next evolutionary step could be and I have illustrated my thoughts for you. As you can see I have retained the sexy female form that we all know and love - this is for mating purposes, as is the new super-long tongue (obscured by pizza muzzle). The male of the species will be issued with a much longer tongue whilst the female's will be mainly used for snatching coveted objects from lower ranking females.
As you can see from my exceptional illustration, we are also going to have webbed, amphibian hands and feet - this will help us to scale buildings if we are late for work. Wings have also been added for this reason but they are mainly to enable us to get to the cinema on time.
I would now like to draw your attention to the new style of ear. These ears are blessed with the gift of supersonic hearing but are also very attractive and festive. We can now find out about any back-stabbing or opportunities for progression without scrolling through countless Facebook statuses or tweets.
The new human has no body hair. That's right kids! Body hair is shit and useless so it's been fazed out. I have left hair on the head however as that is an integral part of the mating selection.
Finally I'd like to introduce to you the remarkable pizza-sized mouth. We need a lot of energy to scale buildings and fly around town all day so this was an essential upgrade.

Thank you for your time.

Wednesday, 4 April 2012

Bad hiding.

Hiding from the landlord but they know I'm in now as I stupidly took the letter they strategically placed in my letterbox. GO AWAY! I have crazy afro hair, an illegal rabbit and smelly pyjamas.

UPDATE: Eeeeek! They are outside my door right now!

My flat is a shithole and I look like a complete nutcase! I'm not though, I'm just doing my work...

LEAVE ME ALONE! I don't want to talk to you about windows while I look (and smell) like this : (

Tuesday, 3 April 2012


Dear George...

UPDATE: Even though Flash with Febreze is excellent for cleaning grime off of almost anything (I think it has lab grade acid in or something), this is the second time I've used it to clean my GF grill and I really need to get the message and stop using it. Febreze flavoured tortillas are really, really disgusting.