Friday, 30 March 2012

Meal for One?

I've come to the conclusion that food isn't designed for people who live alone. I have to keep bread in the fridge because it looks at me and goes "Ahaahaha, you can't eat me. Not ALL of me! You're a loser! I'm going to turn green and then you'll have to scrape bits off before you eat meeee".
I've been known to keep a loaf of bread for 3 weeks and still be eating it, avoiding the slightly strange taste and texture by scraping the fur off, toasting it and covering it in Marmite.  I also tend to forget I've even bought eggs and by the time I remember I have to put them in a jug of water and check which way they're floating (thanks Delia).
On the rare occasion I treat myself by cooking something normal like chili con carne or spaghetti bolognaise I end up having to eat it at least twice a day for the next week as there's so much left over. Also when I buy a pizza I think "Oooh, I'll have half for dinner tonight and half tomorrow." No you won't, fatty. You'll eat it all at once! It's true. I did.

So yeah, last night was Chili con Carne Night, tonight is Mexican Night (chili con carne night), tomorrow is Meaty Bean Fest (chili con carne...) and sunday is Roast Bean Delight (you get the picture...)


Important tasks are looming. I was woken by a knock at the door this morning. I ignored it. Like I always do. I ignore the phone too, although it never rings...and the fire alarm. I only ever open my door if it's the police, someone telling me we are evacuating because there's a bomb (Pakistani Embassy next door) or my friendly little postman who used to have a crush on me but I think I scared him a few months ago in my pyjamas with my face all mashed up from a hangover so he looks terrified now. My hair looked like I had put a wet finger in a socket and an intense smell of weed wafted out when I opened the door like the wall of heat you get when you come off a plane in a hot country. It wasn't weed, I don't smoke. It was stagnant rabbit piss and just tends to smell like weed if you leave it a bit too long. Anyway. He looks like a turtle and if I've let him down because I've turned into a crazy, weed-smoking, squinty mess then he can do one.

Thursday, 29 March 2012


The letters... (updated)

I am king of the procrastinators. I haven't been out for days even though we're in the middle of a heatwave. My reason for this is that I have too much to do. Yet I'm doing none of it. I've had some important paperwork to send off for the last 3 weeks but I haven't done it because I didn't have any ink in my printer. My new inks arrived 2 days ago and now I'm panicking at the thought of actually having to get off the sofa and use my brain for a couple of hours. What is wrong with me?! Oh and I need to find a payslip from February that I haven't opened yet but it's probably in 'The Pile of DEATH' (also in that pile is every scary looking envelope that I've received in the past year or more. I'm normal, right?)

UPDATE: I found my payslip! It was the first letter that I opened so I didn't have to go through the whole pile and hate myself for being useless and in debt :D

When I was little.

I've been thinking a lot about my childhood and some of the weird things I've done that maybe I can share with you. I mean, they're not that weird, you will relate to them. Children are pretty freaky in general.

It's really sunny today. I should probably sit in the square by my flat and make a list then do some sketching but I know that I won't. I'll probably just sit here in my pyjamas all day. Again.

Fat friend.

Wednesday, 28 March 2012




Thanks Grace...


Walk of shame...

Ebay Pie of Despair.

True Friend.