Thursday, 4 October 2012

I know, I know...

...I'm really lazy and rubbish, etc. etc....but I've been organising an independent publishing festival in my city and it's taking up all of my time!

I have a sketchbook full of stuff just waiting to be redrawn and uploaded but I need to put the festival first.
Good news though - the fest is next week and I'm getting some comics printed too. I'm sure there will be loads left over so I'll put them up for sale on here.

Thank you to those of you who left nice comments. I promise to get posting again real soon.

Tuesday, 8 May 2012

Sexy Disco Hedgehog

This is probably about as interesting as a story about selling Ugg boots on eBay can get. Let's start at the beginning. I feel that I should give you a little background information as to how I ended up owning a pair in the first place. Back in 2006 when I actually gave a shit about what other people thought of me I had an overwhelming urge to own a pair of Ugg boots. I just needed a plausible excuse and someone to buy them for me. Having decided to go on holiday to Iceland over the New Year, I had the perfect reason and timing. My boyfriend and Nan paid half each (the boots were £200) and I was happily stomping around like every other hefty Kate Moss wannabe in the UK (and California). I really thought that the boots would enable me to look like this: 



But the reality was this: 



I wore them to death and in the end they were as completely fucked as a pair of boots can be; No grip on the soles, holes in the outer and a smell which can only be described as 'unique'.





Like many other stuggling freelancers I turn to eBay in times of need to get money to buy cider and rabbit food so one day I inevitably decided to put the boots up for sale, knowing that someone, somewhere, would buy them. I guess I should have seen it coming really...

 

Eager beaver!
 
 

I'm an honest seller. It was Christmas 2006 though so a whole extra year of stink thrown in for free!

 

Are you sure?

 

I decide to subtly take advantage of the situation with a gentle reminder of the retail price whilst also maintaining my appearance as a decent, honest person by stating the need for refurbishment.




Sounds pretty damn good to me! Maybe this guy would like to buy all of my stinking, half dead footwear?

'Worth a try' I think to myself, eyeing up the other sweaty morsels that are kicking about my room.

 

This is when I start to wonder exactly what he wants my boots for. I imagine some kind of huge art installation. Maybe a giant Godzilla constructed entirely of Ugg boots. The back of my mind has other ideas though. We won't go there...


I really could have taken advantage here but for some reason my conscience kicked in. I decide to play along a little bit and humour the big weirdo.


 WTF?!!




*nervous laughter*

 

Cue extra kisses for being a slut!

 

I'm actually sorting though my wardrobe for a sexy ensemble that will enhance the beauty of these amazing boots whilst also giving me the opportunity to showcase my model good looks. Who knows, maybe 'P' will be really impressed then buy all of my worn out shoes and pay me extra for sexy pics.



Don't worry 'P', I have no intention of cleaning the boots - I don't even do the dishes!
 Is this guy for real?!

 

Understatement...









 
"jeans or..." Or what?!!! 
Yeah of course 'P', BFFs 4 lyfe!!


 

Ok, confession time - I was selling my Uggs to get the money to pay for my...FITFLOPS -_- 
(haters gonna hate...)

 

Really? You really want me to talk dirty about having wet feet?


I'm just showing off now.

It turns out 'P' had paid before I even sent the pics so I decided to terminate our relationship here. It was for the best...


 
...


    
 *sad face*


 




Sunday, 22 April 2012

Tired + Builders = Cougar

I'm so tired and hungover and useless. I hate when I drink too much on a Saturday as Sunday is my favourite day and it's such a shame to write it off. A crying shame in fact (whatever a crying shame is).
I love Sundays because I don't have to hide from random phone calls and knocks at the door and I don't get scary letters through my letterbox.
So anyway, this week I have been most successful at getting free dinners and doing sinful things. I have been most unsuccessful at doing any kind of work as my laptop has been acting like a dick and I've been spending all my time eating said free dinners.
Next week is a bit rubbish because I have to get up at the ungodly hour of 7am on Tuesday as builders are coming to fix my windows, which haven't opened for about 10 years. Little bit of a fire hazard. I had taken to propping them open with 90s films on VHS but apparently that's not cool anymore and the landlord wants to actually fix them. Fair dos. For those of you who don't know me I should probably let you know that I HATE builders. They have been the bain of my life for the past 2 years as there is a building site opposite my flat. They are constantly out there on the roof of the building opposite and can see everything I do, which isn't a lot but involves me wandering about in stained pyjamas, licking plates and carrying out other dirty habits I've acquired through years of single occupancy.
Sometimes the builders heckle me which I find ever so slightly inappropriate and sometimes they start 2 hours earlier than is legal in the morning and sing very loudly as well as making the building shake with their incompetent breaking of large pieces of rock.
I have been privy to such audial delicacies as a previously unheard rendition of Robbie Williams' Angels - "And through is aaaallll, she offers me protection, a lotta love and erections..." -  and other rarities.
As you can imagine I am quite anxious about being in my apartment with two builders for 6 whole hours. Especially as my entire apartment is about the same size as one fair sized living room.
Then on Wednesday I have to attend court again because I owe rent and my landlord is trying to evict me.

Can't somebody please pay me to write and draw pictures full time?

Thursday, 19 April 2012

Tit Flaps.

So I went to town yesterday and tried a ton of clothes on even though I don't have any money. It was fun and torture mixed together. The torture was multiplied by the fact that whenever I go to TK Maxx I start to really need the toilet in the worst way ever. I don't know why but something about those stark surroundings and rails upon rails of discounted goods forces my bowels to groan like a sinking Titanic. They used to have a toilet in the children's section but it's always out of use now. So there I was, hobbling about with a basket full of summer dresses and a strange silver number which I grabbed for nostalgic value because my mum made me wear something similar to a school disco once and I spent the evening in tears because everyone laughed and called me "Spaceman".
I tried on the clothes but they mostly looked shit and I ended up settling for a new bra instead because my tits looked like a couple of uninflated fire hoses. Thanks number three oh! It seems somewhat ironic that just the day before I got asked for ID when buying superglue in Poundland - apparently I look 20. And like a glue-sniffer.


Tuesday, 17 April 2012

Beans Means.

I got ID'd today, buying superglue from Poundland in a last ditch attempt to fix my MacBook. What do I have to do to look my age? Storm around town in a power-suit with horn rimmed glasses on, snarling at everyone?

Wednesday, 11 April 2012

watr is hOOEninv?

I got drunk the other day. I say day because it was definitely day and not night. Not that getting drunk is out of the ordinary for me but it was the kind of drunk where you stagger home, pass out dribbling on the sofa at half past 8 then wake up just before your flat sets on fire because you decided to heat up an enchilada under the grill before you passed out. Here is my dinner. Yes, I ate it.

Thursday, 5 April 2012

Evolution.

So you might have noticed that us human beings haven't evolved physically for quite some time. I got to thinking about what the next evolutionary step could be and I have illustrated my thoughts for you. As you can see I have retained the sexy female form that we all know and love - this is for mating purposes, as is the new super-long tongue (obscured by pizza muzzle). The male of the species will be issued with a much longer tongue whilst the female's will be mainly used for snatching coveted objects from lower ranking females.
As you can see from my exceptional illustration, we are also going to have webbed, amphibian hands and feet - this will help us to scale buildings if we are late for work. Wings have also been added for this reason but they are mainly to enable us to get to the cinema on time.
I would now like to draw your attention to the new style of ear. These ears are blessed with the gift of supersonic hearing but are also very attractive and festive. We can now find out about any back-stabbing or opportunities for progression without scrolling through countless Facebook statuses or tweets.
The new human has no body hair. That's right kids! Body hair is shit and useless so it's been fazed out. I have left hair on the head however as that is an integral part of the mating selection.
Finally I'd like to introduce to you the remarkable pizza-sized mouth. We need a lot of energy to scale buildings and fly around town all day so this was an essential upgrade.

Thank you for your time.


Wednesday, 4 April 2012

Bad hiding.

Hiding from the landlord but they know I'm in now as I stupidly took the letter they strategically placed in my letterbox. GO AWAY! I have crazy afro hair, an illegal rabbit and smelly pyjamas.

UPDATE: Eeeeek! They are outside my door right now!

My flat is a shithole and I look like a complete nutcase! I'm not though, I'm just doing my work...

LEAVE ME ALONE! I don't want to talk to you about windows while I look (and smell) like this : (

Tuesday, 3 April 2012

Today...


Dear George...
































UPDATE: Even though Flash with Febreze is excellent for cleaning grime off of almost anything (I think it has lab grade acid in or something), this is the second time I've used it to clean my GF grill and I really need to get the message and stop using it. Febreze flavoured tortillas are really, really disgusting.

Friday, 30 March 2012

Meal for One?

I've come to the conclusion that food isn't designed for people who live alone. I have to keep bread in the fridge because it looks at me and goes "Ahaahaha, you can't eat me. Not ALL of me! You're a loser! I'm going to turn green and then you'll have to scrape bits off before you eat meeee".
I've been known to keep a loaf of bread for 3 weeks and still be eating it, avoiding the slightly strange taste and texture by scraping the fur off, toasting it and covering it in Marmite.  I also tend to forget I've even bought eggs and by the time I remember I have to put them in a jug of water and check which way they're floating (thanks Delia).
On the rare occasion I treat myself by cooking something normal like chili con carne or spaghetti bolognaise I end up having to eat it at least twice a day for the next week as there's so much left over. Also when I buy a pizza I think "Oooh, I'll have half for dinner tonight and half tomorrow." No you won't, fatty. You'll eat it all at once! It's true. I did.

So yeah, last night was Chili con Carne Night, tonight is Mexican Night (chili con carne night), tomorrow is Meaty Bean Fest (chili con carne...) and sunday is Roast Bean Delight (you get the picture...)


Tasks.

Important tasks are looming. I was woken by a knock at the door this morning. I ignored it. Like I always do. I ignore the phone too, although it never rings...and the fire alarm. I only ever open my door if it's the police, someone telling me we are evacuating because there's a bomb (Pakistani Embassy next door) or my friendly little postman who used to have a crush on me but I think I scared him a few months ago in my pyjamas with my face all mashed up from a hangover so he looks terrified now. My hair looked like I had put a wet finger in a socket and an intense smell of weed wafted out when I opened the door like the wall of heat you get when you come off a plane in a hot country. It wasn't weed, I don't smoke. It was stagnant rabbit piss and just tends to smell like weed if you leave it a bit too long. Anyway. He looks like a turtle and if I've let him down because I've turned into a crazy, weed-smoking, squinty mess then he can do one.

Thursday, 29 March 2012

FUCK YEAH!!!


The letters... (updated)


I am king of the procrastinators. I haven't been out for days even though we're in the middle of a heatwave. My reason for this is that I have too much to do. Yet I'm doing none of it. I've had some important paperwork to send off for the last 3 weeks but I haven't done it because I didn't have any ink in my printer. My new inks arrived 2 days ago and now I'm panicking at the thought of actually having to get off the sofa and use my brain for a couple of hours. What is wrong with me?! Oh and I need to find a payslip from February that I haven't opened yet but it's probably in 'The Pile of DEATH' (also in that pile is every scary looking envelope that I've received in the past year or more. I'm normal, right?)

UPDATE: I found my payslip! It was the first letter that I opened so I didn't have to go through the whole pile and hate myself for being useless and in debt :D

When I was little.

I've been thinking a lot about my childhood and some of the weird things I've done that maybe I can share with you. I mean, they're not that weird, you will relate to them. Children are pretty freaky in general.

It's really sunny today. I should probably sit in the square by my flat and make a list then do some sketching but I know that I won't. I'll probably just sit here in my pyjamas all day. Again.

Fat friend.